Cwm Bargoed Express - Your Stars

Your Stars

What the planets have in store for you

Aquarius
This month sees good fortune when you discover the solution to world hunger, written on a toilet wall. Avoid children's TV programmes on the 24th, especially Elmo's World and it's Communist subliminal messages.

Aries
A passing remark about oak upsets a friend. Things get better on the 21st when you finally formulate a Unified Field theory. Intimacy develops with a stapler on the 27th.

Cancer
This month is a time of uncertainty for you, but by the 22nd you will feel a new woman. By the 29th, your wife will find out. Then it's back to square one for you.

Capricorn
You will appear before a US Senate committee, regarding the theft of an 18th century pork pie from the Smithsonian Institute. Avoid mentioning the war.

Gemini
Druids play a big part in your sex life on the 17th. Try to be more positive regarding GM crops on the 30th. Lady luck will smile on you, when you are mentioned in Sooty's memoirs.

Leo
You will be kidnapped by aliens on the 17th, who mistake you for Elvis. Try to look cool and brush up on your hip swings beforehand. Death will come on swift wings if you don't stop eating Dime Bars by the 28th.

Libra
The Blue Man Group will turn up on your doorstep, each member claiming to be the father of your children. You get your own Radio show on the 16th, thanks to Vim.

Pisces
A Large cash settlement comes your way on the 13th, when you slip on a Caramac wrapper and break both legs. A work colleague offers you gum on the 24th, but you decline.

Sagittarius
It's time to put aside thoughts of centrifugal oscillators and squeezy-grippy things. Now is the time to fulfil your dreams of becoming a columnist for Religious Cult magazine.

Scorpio
You will receive an invite to tea from former AC/DC lead singer - Bon Scott, which you find surprising, since he's been dead for 25 years. Keep clear of hamsters on the 23rd.

Taurus
You will die horribly on the 16th, but on the 22nd you will be reincarnated as a tin of condensed milk. You are aroused by the shape of a kitchen cabinet on the 29th.

Virgo
Paul Daniels pops round on the 3rd and asks you to hide a gun. You become famous on the 20th after taking the Daz Doorstep Challenge, wearing only the contents of a cereal box.

	Your Stars What the planets have in store for you
	Aquarius This month sees good fortune when you discover the solution to world hunger, written on a toilet wall. Avoid children's TV programmes on the 24th, especially Elmo's World and it's Communist subliminal messages. Aries A passing remark about oak upsets a friend. Things get better on the 21st when you finally formulate a Unified Field theory. Intimacy develops with a stapler on the 27th. Cancer This month is a time of uncertainty for you, but by the 22nd you will feel a new woman. By the 29th, your wife will find out. Then it's back to square one for you. Capricorn You will appear before a US Senate committee, regarding the theft of an 18th century pork pie from the Smithsonian Institute. Avoid mentioning the war.	Gemini Druids play a big part in your sex life on the 17th. Try to be more positive regarding GM crops on the 30th. Lady luck will smile on you, when you are mentioned in Sooty's memoirs. Leo You will be kidnapped by aliens on the 17th, who mistake you for Elvis. Try to look cool and brush up on your hip swings beforehand. Death will come on swift wings if you don't stop eating Dime Bars by the 28th. Libra The Blue Man Group will turn up on your doorstep, each member claiming to be the father of your children. You get your own Radio show on the 16th, thanks to Vim. Pisces A Large cash settlement comes your way on the 13th, when you slip on a Caramac wrapper and break both legs. A work colleague offers you gum on the 24th, but you decline.	Sagittarius It's time to put aside thoughts of centrifugal oscillators and squeezy-grippy things. Now is the time to fulfil your dreams of becoming a columnist for Religious Cult magazine. Scorpio You will receive an invite to tea from former AC/DC lead singer - Bon Scott, which you find surprising, since he's been dead for 25 years. Keep clear of hamsters on the 23rd. Taurus You will die horribly on the 16th, but on the 22nd you will be reincarnated as a tin of condensed milk. You are aroused by the shape of a kitchen cabinet on the 29th. Virgo Paul Daniels pops round on the 3rd and asks you to hide a gun. You become famous on the 20th after taking the Daz Doorstep Challenge, wearing only the contents of a cereal box.