AGONY AUNT IN HOSPITAL

Cwm Bargoed Express Agony Aunt - Robert Morris, was hospitalised this week after being beaten to near death by an angry mob.

Morris was on his way home from the pub, when he was attacked just yards from his home, by at least ten unidentified men.

Morris
"in Agony"

Witnesses claim the men shouted obscenities at Morris and made remarks about his newspaper column as they laid into him, kicking, punching and beating him with pick-axe handles.

"We believe that his style of writing may have upset someone, but the list of possible suspects is endless" said a spokesman for Cwm Bargoed Police.

When interviewed at his hospital bed, Morris added "mmm mmm mm mmm !" Later we were told his jaw was wired up because it was broken.

As a result, there will be no problem page section until Morris returns to work.

PROF BUYS NUKE PLANT

After his recent thirty million pound lottery win, Professor Igor Williams has bought Cwm Bargoed's Nuclear Facility.

The Prof
"a Man with a Fission"

Already, Williams has sacked the entire senior staff, and replaced them with trainees from nearby Pound Shops and burger bars.

A spokesman for the Welsh Nuclear Regulatory Commission (W.N.R.C.) stated that there was no risk due to the management reshuffle at the plant.

He added "Nuclear Power is 100% safe. There has yet to be one single proven fatality in Wales (with the exception of sheep) as a result of Nuclear Power".

LOCAL MAN RUNS SEX SITE

A site for "Vegetable Lovers" was launched last month, by an unknown local Cwm Bargoed man.

Mr X
"Love Spuds"

The site Spud-U-Lust.co.uk even has links to the Cwm Bargoed Express, as well as the Pigs on Springs site which is now banned in Cwm Bargoed.

The site apparently shows explicit images of vegetables in erotic poses and locations.

Reports suggest it has a growing membership, yet Police still haven't pinpointed the site owner, despite and anonymous tip-off from Cwm Bargoed's Allotment Committee Chairman - Alan Price.

SPACE MISSION DELAYED

The mission to send the first Welshman to Mercury has been put on hold, due to a number of setbacks.

Cwm Bargoed's Dai Brown was set to blast off from Cape Treccatti three weeks ago, but the weather was against him.

Brown
"Delayed"

Then, his co-pilot Dewi Brewer became ill after a bad curry and was "under the doctor" for a few days.

These problems, plus a shortage of Welsh grade Anthracite coal for the solid fuel rockets, mean that the mission will now be scheduled for next week.

PROTEST SCARE FARCE

Thousands of expected protesters against the new American air base (Boswell AFB) at Cwm Bargoed, never showed up.

The base has been on full alert and a strong Police presence has been on guard since the base opened.

B-1 from
Boswell AFB

Despite this, only 16 protesters turned up, 14 of which were protesting against fox hunting, but had taken the wrong turn off on the A470.

Local shopkeepers now face ruin after grossly stocking up on items targeted at the expected visitors, including one shop that ordered 800 KD Lang albums.

Also, the local DSS has had to make 80 recently recruited part time staff redundant, due to the lack of demand.

A spokesman for the Town Council said "Protesters have no interest in nuclear weapons anymore".

He added "These days, they only care about motorways and blood sports. I blame the collapse of communism, Tony Blair and films like Free Willy".

It is hoped that a planned fox hunt will lure back some of the expected protestors, otherwise the Town Council may have to resort to desperate measures, such as a Wales Tourist Board promotional video, hosting an Urdd Eisteddfod, or inviting the Queen to open a new shopping centre.

WEATHER

This week it will be mostly wet and windy with some snow.

Today's
Satellite Photo