The new American air base (Boswell AFB) opened on Monday to a noisy reception – a flyby of 28 B1 bombers.
The base (built on the site of the old Sinclair C5 test track) will be home to these menacing aircraft, as well as 200 Cruise missiles.
Already, local shop keepers are stocking up on double sleeping bags, tents, feminine hygiene and sex products in anticipation of an onslaught by women protestors.
Although expecting trouble, a spokesman for Cwm Bargoed Police said “we will not be using rubber bullets or truncheons, as these type of protestors seldom give them back afterwards”.
Other protests about noise, from the residents of a near by old peoples home, were quashed when it was agreed that their dosage would be increased accordingly.
After his recent thirty million pound lottery win, Professor Igor Williams has bought Cwm Bargoed’s Nuclear Facility.
“a Man with a Fission”
Already, Williams has sacked the entire senior staff, and replaced them with trainees from nearby Pound Shops and burger bars.
A spokesman for the Welsh Nuclear Regulatory Commission (W.N.R.C.) stated that there was no risk due to the management reshuffle at the plant.
He added “Nuclear Power is 100% safe. There has yet to be one single proven fatality in Wales (with the exception of sheep) as a result of Nuclear Power”.
Thousands of expected protesters against the new American air base (Boswell AFB) at Cwm Bargoed, never showed up.
The base has been on full alert and a strong Police presence has been on guard since the base opened.
Despite this, only 16 protesters turned up, 14 of which were protesting against fox hunting, but had taken the wrong turn off on the A470.
Local shopkeepers now face ruin after grossly stocking up on items targeted at the expected visitors, including one shop that ordered 800 KD Lang albums.
Also, the local DSS has had to make 80 recently recruited part time staff redundant, due to the lack of demand.
A spokesman for the Town Council said “Protesters have no interest in nuclear weapons anymore”.
He added “These days, they only care about motorways and blood sports. I blame the collapse of communism, Tony Blair and films like Free Willy”.
It is hoped that a planned fox hunt will lure back some of the expected protestors, otherwise the Town Council may have to resort to desperate measures, such as a Wales Tourist Board promotional video, hosting an Urdd Eisteddfod, or inviting the Queen to open a new shopping centre.